Merci!

Jun. 23rd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Have you heard of the Croquembouche [CROCK-you-EAM-butchy]? It's a French thing.

Well, if not, here's what it's supposed to look like:

So kinda like old, cobweb-wrapped monkey bread. But in a yummy way.

 

Well, a certain anonymous person - who shall remain unnamed to protect her anonymity - found this gem at a wedding which she may or may not have anonymously attended:

I believe her exact words were, "it looks like some kind of primitive jungle cake being attacked by a swarm of lactating spider-wasps."

Mmmm, lactating spider-wasps...

Well, uh, Jane D. [wink wink], thanks for putting a new spin on these things.

 

Note: I think it's important to ask yourself a couple of questions before commenting here on Cake Wrecks:
Question: Did Jen and john really intend to give us the pronunciation of a word?
Answer: No.
Question: Are Jen and john complete and total idiots?
Answer: No.
Question: Do they...
Answer: No.
Question: Would they...
Answer: No.
Question: What about...
Answer: No.
That is all.

 

*****

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New Discoveries in the Animal Kingdom

Jun. 22nd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

I believe that all new scientific discoveries should be announced via cake, don't you?

[pushing back glasses and consulting clipboard] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present...

The Majestic Bagel-Nosed Falcon of Uganda!

Or it might be a fish. Fish...falcon...you know. Whatevs.

 

[Shuffling papers] Next we have...

The Majestic Happy Chicken-Footed Spiny-Backed Slime Devil.
(Watch out; they spit.)

 

We're still working on the scientific name for this one:

So for now let's just call it the Majestic Coiled Crap Hound.
(I think that has a real ring to it, don't you?)

 

Here we have a particularly colorful specimen:

The Majestic Disco Newt! Let's pause a moment to admire his beautiful plumage.

Right. That's long enough.

 

And finally, we have...

The Majestic Three-Toed Four-Eyed Whiskered Zebra Toad.
(Yeah, you heard me. ZooBorns, eat your heart out.)

 

Thanks to Kelly D., Kit R., Caitlin B., Jordan J. and Donald L., who are all, er, majestic.

*****

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Picture This

Jun. 21st, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

So Shawna A. asked her bakery to make a cake just like this one from Pink Cake Box:

To make it easier, she even brought in a print-out of this picture. And, since she wanted her cake to say "Welcome Little Monkey" instead of "Happy Birthday," she was sure to cross that bit out. That way, there could be no confusion whatsoever, right?

 

Riiiight.

All in favor of banning the edible photo printer for all eternity, say "Oy VEY."

 

I think the "veys" have it, Shawna.

*****

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Lord Of The Facepalms

Jun. 20th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by john (the hubby of Jen)

Brandon wanted a Bunko-themed cake with three dice on it.

 

Danielle asked for "Linda" in white icing.

 

Francie ordered a 50th birthday cake for a friend, noting that she wanted to pick it up "today."

 

Kristin's friend ordered a cake that was supposed to read "Happy Mother's Day/Birthday" or "Happy Birthday/Mother's Day" - whichever the baker thought sounded best.

 

And finally, there were three choices of decorations on the order form: balloons, roses, or mums. Dee chose mums.

 

Thanks to Brandon M., Danielle J., Francie R., Kristin D., & D.R. for proving one does not simply order from a wreckery.

*****

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And from my other blog, Epbot:


Here comes the bri...AAAAAUUGGHHH!!!

Jun. 19th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Brides these days. [shaking head] When the big day arrives, some of them can reeeally lose their heads, you know?

That's the wedding cake.

 

Uh, maybe I should give you a moment.

[whistling]

All better? Have all your co-workers/family members gathered around the screen in response to your shrieks? Good. 'Cuz I want to talk about the consultation that resulted in this cake. Do you suppose it went something like this?

Bride: I want my wedding cake to look like my dress.

Baker: Sure, no problem. You want it on a dress form?

Bride: [scoffing] Uh, no-oo! It has to be on a body. MY body.

Baker: Wait, you want a full cake statue of yourself? Like this? [shows photo of infamous bride cake]

Bride: Ew, no! Who'd want to eat my head or arms? That's gross.

Baker: [relieved] Oh, good, 'cuz for a second there...

Bride: So just leave my head and arms off.

 

Here's another view: The limbless bride surveying her domain.

As you can see, the bride (the headed one, I mean) thought it would be cute to put her veil on the neck stump after the ceremony. Which certainly adds...well, a veil to the neck stump.

 

But you know what my favorite part is? Go on, guess.

No, not that. Or that. Hah! Good point, but no. Look, I'll just tell you, shall I?

Ok, it's this: the shoulder stumpies look a lot like outstretched, plucked chicken wings to me. Here, look at the first photo again and tell me you don't see a plucked headless chicken in a dress trying to flap off to freedom:

Flap flap flap.

You see it, don't you?

And if not, rest assured Headless Plucked Chicken Bride will be seeing YOU - in your dreams.

Mwuh-ha-ha-haaa!

 

Sleep tight, Anony M.

*****

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And from my other blog, Epbot:


Sunday Sweets: Gettin' Geeky Wit It

Jun. 18th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Just like cake, there are many flavors of geek fandom - and I love them all.

Granted, I love some more than others:

(By Chatter Cakes)

NO LIE.

 

I about fell over when I found not only a cake of my favorite video game character of all time - I found an AMAZING cake of him:

(By Oakleaf Cakes)

[Kermit flail] SONGBIRD!!

Songbird here is a whopping three feet tall, and was made for Irrational Games. And I love him. You can check out the amazing build photos here.

 

Who else loves Avatar? And I don't mean the blue guys:

(Submitted by Lisa K. and made by Sweet Pudgy Panda)

I let the anime style scare me off of The Last Airbender for far too long, but it only took a single episode last year to get me hooked. And the sequel series, Legend of Korra? AMAZEBALLS.

 

Shout out to all the real anime geeks out there:

(By rub-a-duckie)

I can spot Naruto, but the rest of your cosplay always keeps me guessing. :D

 

Here's a fun mash-up of two shows John and I love:

(By Nerdache Cakes)

Ponies and Supernatural!

Would you look at that "salt" circle? And a bucket of blood has never been cuter. Seriously.

 

It's not all shows and video games, though. Being a geek also makes me want to learn more about programming and electronics:

(By CW fan Jane M.)

John and I have done some simple stuff, wiring up LEDs for various cosplays, but my dream is to build my own nixie tube clock from scratch.

 

Because I can never get too much steampunk. NEVAH!

(By Tasty Layers)

 

Here's one for the Brown Coats:

(Submitted by Chris R. and made by The Cake Creche)

Shiny.

 

And the Whovians:

(By Curiaussiety Cakes)

(And Minecrafters!)

 

And the... uh... Middle Earthers? Do Tolkien geeks have a nick name?

(Submitted by Emily H. and made by Cakerator)

Regardless, can you believe this Witch-king of Angmar is cake?!

 

And finally, can't forget superheroes and comic books - because what geek girl doesn't want to be Wonder Woman?

(By Cakes by Raewyn)

Though I might settle for this cake. So pretty.

 

Hope you're doing something geeky today, guys! And hey, if you found this post relevant to your interests, then you might like my other blog, Epbot, where I post everything from great convention pics to game reviews and DIY projects.

*****

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Happy Falker Satherhood!

Jun. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Ashley J. had two male coworkers each expecting a child, so the office decided to get them a cake. They wanted it to say, "Happy Fatherhood Shawn and Glenn".

Instead, they got this:

Like you, I'm sure, Ashley & the gang were just dying to know what the decorator thought he or she was writing, exactly. So, they decided to go find out. Yep, that's right: They grabbed a video camera (did I mention they work at the Fox television animation studio?) and strolled down the street to pay a little visit to the bakery in question.

Here's what happened next (the best bits are in the first 2 minutes):

"It's like a word journey" - hilarious. Oh, and Ashley writes "Please forgive the Tickle-Me-Elmo laughter coming from behind the camera...that's me."

Ashley, I think it's safe to say we all forgive you. It's just too bad the manager didn't have as much of a sense of humor as you guys did; after all, I think you and Rebner were extremely pleasant about it, all things considered. :)

 

*****

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[syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

Brace yourself, my friends, for what you're about to see may haunt your dreams for the rest of your natural lives, and will most certainly turn you off of acrylic nails.

Ready?

Here it comes...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the baby shower, they went and added...

The DREADED MANICURED ALIEN HAND OF DOOM!!!

[drawn-out scream]

 

Ok, what's worse: the bone-white skin pallor, popped-out belly button that looks like the tied-off end of a balloon, or the fact that Thing-ette there seems to be sucking the life-force out of Octo-Mom Wraith-style?

Now, I have pudgy little Hobbit hands, so my basis of reference is off: tell me, is that hand as disproportionally gargantuan as I think it is?

 

Kevin V., you musht be toight like a toyger*. Schmoke and a pancake?

*Ok, so the pop-culture references got a little out of hand** in this post. Sorry.

**Get it? Out of hand? Booyah!

*****

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[syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

WARNING: In-your-end-o jokes ahead. Hide the kids!

*****

John: "Hey, we had a few complaints about that baby shower cake, so let's steer clear of anything too off-color today, ok?"

Jen: "Noooo problem. I have the perfect ON color cake we can use."

John: "Yeah?"

Jen: "Yep. I call it, 'TASTE THE RAINBOW.'"

John: "NO. Definitely no."

 

Jen: "What, you don't like it?
"Then how about 'Rubber Baby Buggy Balls'?"

"See, you can already tell it's a boy!"

John: "Why does the stroller have... ?! Never mind. No."

 

Jen: "Tiger Beat?"

John: "You're killing me here.

"Can't you just post some wrecky flowers or something? Please?"

Jen: "Flowers? ON IT."

[five minutes later]

"Got one! This baker says her co-worker made a border of 'exotic flowers.' You like?

"I think I'll call it, 'Ring Around the Posy Peens.'"

John: [silent glare]

"The Pollenators?"

[...]

"Petal Pushers?"

[...]

"Sticky Stamens?"

[...]

"Calla Willies?"

[...]

"One-Eyed Snapdragons?"

[...]

"Penis Flytraps?"

John: "You're answering tomorrow's e-mail."

 

Thanks to Jody M., Amber G., Ashley, & Anony M. for helping us find the rainbow... erection.

*****

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Here Comes The Snide

Jun. 13th, 2017 01:00 pm
[syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

In honor of all the summer weddings this month, I decided to sing a little song.

(With apologies to Nat King Cole.)

 

Unforgettable...

That's what you are.

 

Unforgettable!

Beyond subpar!

 

Like a song of love that CLINGS to me...

(ew)

 

How the thought of you does THINGS to me...

(seeing...red...)

Never before has something been mooore...

 

UNFORGETTABLE!!

Someone will pay!

 

And forever moooore...

They'll rue the day!

 

That's why darling...

It's incredible...

 

That a wreck...

So unforgettable...

 

Could also be so...

...dang inedible too.

 

Thanks to Christin S., Amanda C., Rachael H., Jessi T., Anony M., Chase C., Amy S., Angela I., & Susan C. for scaring all the brides-to-be out there.

*****

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