This One's For The Girls

Aug. 18th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

(ATTENTION MOMS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)

 

Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.

That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.

Ok, let's start the show!

First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...

Oh.

["Urp"ing noise]

Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.

 

Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!

Huh.

Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.

 

Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!

Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy.

[gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.

By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!

 

Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...

Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.

 

Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.

Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!

What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.

In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:

a) scream
b) laugh
c) grab a fork or
d) all of the above?

[sigh]

Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?

*****

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The REAL King Cake

Aug. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, so I thought I'd feature some appropriate cakes. However, I realize many of our younger readers may not be familiar with The King. So listen up, whipper snappers! Picture an older, more talented, better looking, Southern Justin Bieber wearing a white, bedazzled jumpsuit.

...

Also, he may or may not be dead.

...

Maybe don't picture that part.

 

Right. All together now? Then let's get started!

 

This is Elvis:

Rawr! Ffft ffft...

 

This...

...is not Elvis.  I'm thinking either Ray Liotta or Wayne Newton.

 

Elvis:

Not Elvis:

John claims this looks like Jimmy Durante. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore. (John, I mean. Jimmy I had to wiki.)

 

Elvis:

 

Um...

I'm going with Liza Minelli.

 

Elvis:

Oh! Wait! I know this one!

The Brawny paper towel guy!

 

And finally, Elvis:

Annnnnd:

Queen Amidala. Or maybe one of the guys from Menudo. (Thanks, John!)

No, no, I'm staying with Amidala.

 

Thanks to Paula H., Diana C., Connie B., and Chrissy K. who are all, collectively, nuthin' but hound dogs. And oh! The crying! ALL the TIME! Enough, already!

Ah thank you. Thankyouverramuuuch.

 

Update from john: The Munsters! The last one looks like the kid from The Munsters! I knew it was something with an "M" from my childhood.

*****

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Wedding Wrecks

Aug. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Pay very close attention to these cake pairs, now; I wouldn't want you to get the Wreck mixed up with the Inspiration Cake. [eye roll]

First up:

 

Elodie M. asked her baker to do this, only with far fewer rose petals. The baker obliged by providing this:

Ah, nothing symbolizes the beginning of a new life with the one you love quite like shriveled old rose petals. On the plus side, at least they distract the eye away from the poor cake construction. The weird grass sprigs sprouting haphazardly from the side and top help in that arena, too.

 

Next, Claire G. discovered the hard way how important "pipemanship" (as opposed to penmanship) is.

What she wanted:

(I believe this is from Martha Stewart.)

 

What she got:

Such delicacy, such grace...

By the by, I don't monogram much, but I think the middle initial is supposed to be larger than the other two. I also think that if "msk" were a word, it would accurately describe the leveling job done on the leaning wonder here.

 

And lastly, Hannah W. asked for this, only with square tiers instead of round:

 

She even brought in the brown ribbon and fresh blue hydrangeas for the bakery to use. Pretty simple, right? Just make some white square tiers. But you know how some bakeries are, always complicating things...

Let's see. Misshapen layers, lumpy icing, no ribbon, electric teal icing "flowers"... What seems to be the problem, Hannah?

*****

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In The Not So Distant Future

Aug. 15th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Greetings. I am Siri3000, your automated cake decorator. How may I help you?

"Siri, I need a cake."

*dingding*
I am programmed with 12 billion different cake styles. What kind of cake would you like?

"Well, I was kinda hoping for a soccer cake..."

*dingding*
I have made 23,000 soccer cakes. Commencing slideshow mode.

Cake 1:

"Um, you don't have to show me every ca..."

 

Cake 2:

"Really, this isn't necessary..."

 

Cake 3:

"Ok, I get the idea."

 

Cake 4:

"STOP!"

 

...
*dingding*
May I help you with something else?

"Okay. Yes. The cake is for my team..."

*dingding*
Making By Tim cake:

"NO! TEAM. Like a sports team. It's the Trojans..."

 

*dingding*
Making Trojan covered cake.

That will be $374.50. Charging credit card...

"WAIT! I wanted a photo cake!"

 

*dingding*
Making photo cake.

[flash bulb goes off]

"What - NO! Not of ME!!

"Okay, STOP! Just... stop. I don't have the photo for the cake now, but I will bring it in. Okay?

Siri?

...

 

*dingding*

 

Thanks to Aimee P., Victoria W., Jarrod P., Jenna K., Melanie W., Lorie B., Bridget & Jarrod, Daphne G., and especially to our friend Teeter of Red Rocket Farm for the inspiration:

................

Did I make you laugh? Do you shop Amazon? Then how about clicking through my affiliate link to shop? By visiting Amazon through that link, CW will earn a small percentage of your purchase - but it costs you nothing. NOTHING, I say!

Together, we can achieve wrecky world domination!! Or at least keep our respective cats fed. Either way, s'all good. Thanks, guys!

OH BOY

Aug. 14th, 2017 01:01 pm
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Posted by Jen

How hard is it to write, "It's a boy"?

LET'S FIND OUT.

Oooh, so close.

 

Less close.

 

No...

 

"Bay?" Really?

 

And yet they nailed "congratulations."

 

[massaging temples] Two tries, both wrong.

 

[forehead on keyboard] Well, the "A" is back...

 

Woohoo!

 

And finally, the wreckiest version of "It's A Boy" I've seen yet - and which I promise I am not making up:

Ouch.

 

Thanks to Ashley L., Alison U., Laura M., Suzanne L., Karin A., Heather C., Cat W., Kayla F., Melissa H., & Jill D. for finally finding something worse than the "Finally A Boy" debacle of '08.

*****

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[syndicated profile] dictionary_wotd_feed
iconoclastic: attacking or ignoring cherished beliefs and long-held traditions, etc., as being based on error, superstition, or lack of creativity.

Sunday Sweets: Art Deco

Aug. 13th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

If you've ever been to South Beach in Miami and cooed over the candy-colored buildings, then odds are you're an Art Deco fan. See? Just like that, you're a reader of uniquely refined taste! So hold that pinky high while you're swigging that Diet Coke, and let's take a look at some of the world's Sweetest Art Deco wedding cakes.

By Sugar Art By Tami

Not only is this cake design amazing, I'm also really digging that topper. Who knew Calla lilies and a little wire could look so glamorous?

 

You're going to be tempted to think this next one is some kind of fancy jewelry box, but trust me: it's cake.

By Lyn Rees of Lyn's Cake Creations

Each of those panels and end pieces was made using an icing technique known as run-in, or flood work. When it dries it becomes hard and smooth like porcelain - but about a hundred times more fragile. Frankly, I don't know how Lyn managed those delicate lines in the top box:

Photo by Cake4ever

Gorgeous.

 

Of course avocado green isn't for everyone, so to make Art Deco truly timeless, just take away the color:

By Sucre Coeur

Would you look at the texture on those bottom tiers?! After staring at it in full-size for a while, I think it's made up of hundreds of tiny paper fans - presumably edible paper -layered over the icing. And with those jewelry designs on the top tiers, it kind of brings to mind a feathery flapper dress, don't you think?

 

And speaking of feathery flapper dresses...

By Cake Central member McLin

This design was completely hand-painted, with hand-piped "pearls" and 3D sculpted gumpaste "feathers." I especially like the colors; it's like an old fashioned black and white photograph with parts of it colorized.

 

Of course, a little Deco can also look surprisingly modern:

Made by Jo-Ann Edwards, found here

This couple used a piece of Art Deco jewelry - the Butler & Wilson brooch "The Dancing Couple"- for their cake topper, and the cake ties it in beautifully with those stylized fans and clean, bold lines.

 

This one reminds me of all those grand old movie palaces from the 1930s:

Photo by Jose Villa Photography, baker unknown

Can't you just imagine an illuminated marquee above the bottom tier? And, come to think of it, wouldn't that be a fun way to tie in the couple's names?

 

I honestly can't decide if this next one is more Art Deco or 60s mod...but then again, Deco *did* come back in style during the 60s, so maybe it's both?

By Jan Kish

Whichever it is, it's pretty darn cool. The sheen on those flowers really makes them look like metal!

 

Here's another beauty straight out of old Hollywood:

By Martha Stewart Weddings

I hope the bride wore her hair in pin curls. And her dress was some slinky satin number with a big fluffy fur stole. (But not a real fur stole; that's cruel.) And I hope the DJ played "Puttin' on the Ritz" like, a million times.

 

You really can't get much more Art Deco than this:

By The Bakery Cottage

Talk about a piece of art! Are they flames or leaves?

 

This next one's so big it's kind of hard to see all the detail:

By Sugar Realm

So here's a closeup:

Look at all those shimmering metallics! And did you see that the silver sections are actuallly filled with silver dragees? That must have taken FOREVER to do.

 

This next one is one of my favorite Art Deco cakes EVER:

Submitted by Hayley P. via the DISboards and made by Disney Weddings.

That center column is like a stylized paper waterfall - and it lights up! I just love the colors, and the sun emblem at the top, and those little jut-outs on the bottom tier - so much great detal!

 

And finally, here's what I like to think of as "Venice meets the Chrysler building":

By Rosebud Cakes

Look at this perfection! LOOK AT IT!!


Ok, now you can go enjoy the rest of your Sunday. Toodles!

*****

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And from my other blog, Epbot:


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Posted by Jen

There are lots of crazy cakes out there, minions, but the thing to remember is there are distinctive LEVELS of crazy.

What's that? Do I have examples?

I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

Ahem hem hem.

[extending pen-pointer stick thingy]

First, we have Good Crazy:

Because while no one NEEDS a rainbow worm covered in Gummi Bears, why the heck not?

 

...which can be surpassed by Awesome Crazy:

Or, crazy awesome.

 

Then we have Bad Crazy:

That's right, running down frisbee players with your new birthday car is bad, Mark. BAAAAD.

 

First, let's just assume that says "Curt."
Second, Why?
Third, Why?
And fourth, SWEET STAY PUFT WHYYYYYY?!

Ahem.

 

Also, celebrating the US Navy's birthday with a sinking Titanic isn't so great, either:

 

And finally - and my personal favorite - we have Bat Sh*t Crazy.

This is the crazy that isn't bad, and isn't good. It's the Chaotic Neutral of crazy, if you will.
(And if you got that, YOU ARE SUCH A NERD. [let's be friends])

For example:

Soccer player butts next to badly rendered Pixar characters.

 

And of course:

Cow udders.

 

Thanks to Jessica B., Dana G., Richard W., Lindsay D., Brian E., Anony M., & Cheryl S., who could really see herself understanding cows.

(I'm so proud of that pun I actually teared up a little, you guys. WHAT.)

*****

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Taking The Mickey Out Of 'Em

Aug. 10th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Everybody sing!

 

Who's the one that can't be made

 

into a CCC?

M-I-C-K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E!
 

And who's the one that looks like he

Would like to break your knees?

M-I-C-K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E!

Mickey Mouse!

We think that's him!

Mickey Mouse!

Orange you glad?

Bump badump badump badump baDUMP!!

[Singing slower with sad faces]
Who's the leader of the cluuub...

That's maaade for you and meeee?

M-I-C...


"C" is for "copyright violation!"

 

...K-E-Y...

Why? WHY? WHY?!?

M-O-U-S...

EEE-AAAAUUUGH!!!

 

Ted, Shelly, Dana C., Amanda L., Colleen B., Stephanie, Jennifer D., & Dana C., I think the creepy tongue adds character. *Badumpbum* And in all fairness, that last one could be a really, really bad Princess Leia cake. 

*****

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[syndicated profile] dictionary_wotd_feed
palindrome: a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., reading the same backward as forward, as Madam, I'm Adam or Poor Dan is in a droop.

Bride/Baker Communication 101

Aug. 9th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Most brides think that bringing in a photo of their dream wedding cake will help clarify for their bakers what it is that they want and expect on their big day.

[shaking head] Those sweet, silly girls.

In reality, these photos are more like "guidelines." A springboard, if you will, from which the baker may or may not spring - and then into heretofore unheard-of realms of artistic "expression."

Perhaps some examples will help.

 

Bride Laurie S. asked for this cake, only in ivory and with blue flowers instead of white:

(Photo & cake by Martha Stewart)

 

Instead, she got this:

"It's boxy, and it's blue and white. What more do you want?"

 

Kirstie also wanted a cascading floral design, like this:

 

Which her baker recreated pretty well, except for one key detail:

S/he used real flowers instead of sugar ones.

Once the petals shriveled, Kirstie's cake design became less "cascading flowers" and more "attacking butterflies." Which isn't horrible, I suppose, but it is kind of hard to resist the urge to flap your arms and shoo them off.

(Note: The silver thing is their topper, which the baker laid flat instead of standing up. Or maybe the butterflies just knocked it over. :D)

 

Sharon L. wanted this gorgeous topsy-turvy design:

(Made by Lisa's Creative Cakes - and I totally want one.)

...only in 3 tiers and using her colors of fuchsia, orange, and lime.

Her baker's interpretation?

Remember that springboard I mentioned? Well, some are a LOT springier than others.

 

And finally, this bride wanted her seashell-themed cake to rise to new heights:

 

Instead, she got one that was apparently dropped from great heights:

Think it was served with a pancake dinner?

[snicker]

 

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

But Where are the Blue Birds?

Aug. 8th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

So Dawn W. was throwing a Wizard of Oz cast party, and she knew better than to order anything as complicated as a Yellow Brick Road cake. So instead, she simply asked for a cake with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on it.

Now, if you've read this blog for any time at all, then you're probably expecting the same thing I was - an inscription that looks like this:

"Some Wear"
The Rainbow

I'm pleased to report that's NOT what happened. No, Dawn received something far more...colorful.

At first I thought the decorator was just being clever, but then I noticed the "Somewheres".

Yeah.

Well, there went that theory.

*****

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And from my other blog, Epbot:


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