To Be Read By Rod Serling

Oct. 20th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Deedeedeedeeedeedeedeedee

You unlock this bakery with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension.

A dimension of icing.

A dimension of piping bags.

A dimension of wreckitude.

You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of bad taste and even worse skill. You just crossed over into...

The Twilight Zone.


BUM BUM BAAAAAHHHH...

 Picture, if you will... a monkey. This monkey:

I know, creepy right? [shivering] Brrrrrr. Totally.

 

[resuming serious announcer voice] Ahem. Now picture, if you will, five ravenous-yet-dim-witted Shih Tzu dogs:

[sternly] Let's call them Muffy, Boopsie, Precious, Buttercup and Mr. Snuggles.

 

Now picture, if you will, a face of terror that watches in malignant silence far beyond your present capacity to understand. A face enigmatically bizarre in terms of time and space. A face...

...of a tweety bird.

 

 Now picture, if you will, Meerkat Zombies...raising the roof.


"What up, playah?"

 

This is the stuff of fantasy, the thread of imagination, the ingredients... of the Twilight Zone.

 BUM BUM BAAAAAHHHHH... SQUEEDLEDEEEE!!!


Jennifer P., Matt N., Christine S., and Melanie L., picture, if you will... a dolphin eating a Snickers bar in flip-flops and a cardigan. Then tell me what that looks like. I've always wondered.

 

Note: A couple of people suggested the pictures should be in black and white which was an awesome idea. So we changed them. I think it adds to the ambiance, don't you? For those who really want to see the full color versions, click here.

UPDATE! LeAnna and Woobie took up the dolphin challenge and sent in their ideas.

 

First LeAnna's:
AWESOME! Check out the flip flop thongs on his flippers.

 

And next we have Woobie's
See, the snickers bar is wearing the cardigan and flip flops because I apparently have no grasp of sentence structure. ?thought Who would have

Touché!

 

One more!
This one's from Vanilla Smoke. Awesome!

 

*****

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This Is Halloween. (No, Really.)

Oct. 19th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Greetings, bakers! This handy guide will demonstrate how easy it is to turn your bakery's plain stock cakes into fabulously frightening Halloween designs.

Ready?

Then let's get started!

First, nothing says "Halloween!" like a sprinkling of candy corn:

So easy, the deli guy can do it!

 

 

Or, October is the perfect month to stretch your product's shelf life. When the icing cracks and the colors fade, just add a spiderweb!
See? Now you meant to do that!

 

 

And why not take this opportunity to "customize" your scones?

"That'll be $1.20 extra for our 'tomb scone specials.'"

 

 

Or, since studies* have shown that customers prefer plastic over pastry nearly 37 to 1, far better to reach for your trusty Flotsam Bugs®!

* We asked our marketing team.

Suddenly, Stanley felt the tide of power turning...

 

 

Flotsam Bugs® are grrreat for turning any design into a Halloween one. Can your bakers only make roses? Nooo problem. Just add a Flotsam Bug®, and poof!

Now that's one scary Halloween flower!

 

Or, how about turning a birthday present into a Halloween birthday present?

Spine-chilling, isn't it?

 

 

But let's say you have character cakes already decorated with an assortment of flotsam. What then?

Why, just pipe a few ghosts on, silly!

 

Hm? What's that? How do you pipe ghosts?

Uh...

Ever see a cactus?

 Perfect!

 

And finally, what about all those doggy cupcakes you're required to pump out by the pound? Well, a little Flotsam will soon have you seeing eye-to-eye with your customers!

[chortle]

 

Or, if you want to go the extra mile, give Patches some patches!

Good dog that's awful.

I mean, uh, look how cute!


And remember, bakers, once Halloween is over it's easy to convert your cakes back, too:

"Aw, Suzy, don't cry! It's just a sweet little kitty cat! See? He's smiling at you!"

 

Thanks to Wreckporters Katrina S., Kristin S., Holly Q., Emily A., Sara F., Megan G., Jess & Connor W., Bettie P., Stacey K., & Kristen, who know that a party hat makes everything better.

 

*****

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Posted by Jen

Some couples look for a sign that their marriage will last.

 

 This isn't it.



Thanks to Ruth H. for the initial discomfort.

 

Note from john: For those you you who may not know, usually "DOA" stands for "Dead On Arrival."  Less common meanings are "Dead Or Alive", "Date Of Arrest" and the ever-popular, "Darkener Of Apricot."

*****

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Killer Thrillers (HEEhee!)

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

[howling wind]
[howling dog]
[howling wind and dog together]
[plus a sprinkling of light rattling chains]

Darkness falls across the land...

Oh. Ok.

[ahem]

 

The fowl-est stench is in the air...

"Quack."

 

The FUNK of forty thousand years!

Give or take an eon.

 

And Grizzly ghouls from EVERY tomb...

Rawr.

 

Are closing in...to seal your DOOM.

Patriotically.

 

And though you fight to stay alive...

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm missin'myarm, and whereismyface?"

 

Your body starts to SHIVER.

...me timbers!

(Or maybe that's Orlando Bloom. Hm? LADIES?)

 

For no MERE MORTAL can resist...

Baby Cthulhu!

Or...

... David Caruso riding a unicorn under a double rainbow!

The EVIL...

(Oh. Or that)

...of...

THE GRILLER.

MUAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA!

AHA...

Wait.

Is that supposed to be steak?

Ew.


Thanks to Melinda M., Sarah C., Natasha, Nell H., John M., Rebecca J., Carrie, Robin L., Wolfie, and P. Humperdink for saving us from having to find a cake for "y'alls neighborhood."

*****

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Life With Jen

Oct. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to Laura R., Jessica D., & Robin S. for helping us divide this readership into "the confused" and the "not-going-to-admit-why-they're-laughing."

*****

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Sunday Sweets: Gothic Elegance

Oct. 15th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Who says dark has to be dreary? These gorgeous Gothic cakes will have you cheering:

(By Sweet Lake Cakes)

 

Sweet Lake seems to specialize in Gothic designs, and I couldn't pick just one favorite!

(By Sweet Lake Cakes)

Look at that lace and "fabric" draping. INCREDIBLE.

 

One more:

(By Sweet Lake Cakes)

The bird skull cameo is the perfect touch.

 

And speaking of cameos, check out the raven head design on this little top hat:

(By Cake Central member ChrisJack1)

The feather, the hand painted skulls and swirls, the roses - just beautiful.

 

(By Candytuft Cakes)

It doesn't get much more classic than rich black and blood-red roses!

 

I really love the contrast of the white tiers under all this heavy scrollwork:

(Baker unknown. Anyone recognize it?)

WOW. The bottom tier looks like a wrought iron gate, and the second has architectural arch ways. The longer you look, the more detail you see!

 

On the other hand, sometimes simple can be just as dramatic:

(By Connie Cupcake)

Love.

 

Now welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion cake:

(By WDW's Contemporary Resort bakery, found here)

That wallpaper and perfect draping has this Dizgeek all atwitter, you guys. Great color on the roses, too!

 

(By Antonelli di Maria Torte & Design)

One of my personal favorites today; I can't believe that fabric draping, and the perfect color fade on the spider web!

 

(Baker unknown)

This purple practically glows, it's so vivid. If you look closely, you can see the layered acanthus leaves making up the second tier. Beautiful.

 

(By Cake Opera Company, featured here)

Another astounding, can't-believe-it's-cake design. That heavy embroidery is insanely intricate, and I've been so busy staring at the cake itself that I just now noticed the cake stand is wrapped in fur!
Ha!

 

And finally, arguably the simplest design of them all today, but I'm just so smitten with the unusual floral swag:

(By Artistic Bites, featured here)

This wedding cake was made for a "Red Riding Hood marries the Wolf" themed photo shoot, and I highly recommend hitting that link up there to see the rest. It's the perfect blend of dark elegance and fairy-tale whimsy, and I LOVE the succulents and fuzzy mosses they used on the cake.

 

Hope you enjoyed the Gothic Sweets, everyone! Happy Sunday!

*****

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Posted by Jen

"...but legend says that on the twenty-sixth of October the curse will return, and the vengeful One-Eyed Monster will rise again!  

 

MWUAH-HA-HA-HAAA!!

"GET IT OFF GETITOFFGETITOFF!!"

 

Thanks to Melissa S. for the double header. 

*****

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Evil Gets... Evil-er

Oct. 12th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

In a world...

where nothing is safe...

and no one can be trusted...


"Like, ohmygawsh, Kelly! I know it's midnight and raining outside, but let's strip down to our bras and go running through the woods! What could possibly go wrong?"

[blood-curdling scream]

 

From the people who brought you:
Butterflies from Hell,
Night Hugs from Hell,
Underwater Zombie Ballerinas (Also from Hell,)
and Gigli,
comes the most horrifying psychological thrill-ride blood bath you will ever wish you could un-see.

"Thank you for the teddy bear, mommy! I love him SO MUCH, and I'm glad he's not creepy and won't kill us in our sleep or anything!"

[blood-curdling scream]


No one knows where they came from... or who they will visit next.

 

"Well, I'm all by myself and the power's out, but I think I'll take a shower anyway."

 

[pulling back shower curtain]

[blood-curdling scream]

 

When the streets are paved with evil... and the nights are filled with... evil..

"Gosh, I'm so glad you came over to make out with me while I'm babysitting tonight. Maybe I should just go check on the baby... in the attic... in my high heels... in the dark... in my bra... alone... while you go get pizza.

[pulling back blanket]

[blood-curdling scream]

 

Nothing that lives in the imagination is more frightening than the terror that lives... in the bakery:


{Crazy maniacal Leprechaun laugh}

[blood-curdling scream]


This Friday the 13th, terror gets its just desserts.

Hell's Bakery... from Hell. In 3D.

If you can't stand the heat... you're probably about to get murdered.

 

Shannon G., Anna L., Sara C., Melissa, & Lindsay, if you had trouble visualizing this post as a movie trailer, then we've put together a little something for you:

 

 

*****

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Oops! They Did It Again

Oct. 11th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Will you guys ever get tired of seeing wedding missed marks? 'Cuz I'm thinking, "no."

Let's test that theory, shall we?

 

What the bride wanted:

What the bride got:

That'll buff out.

 

A lovely leaf motif:

And a lovely...oh good grief:

Actually, that leaf design is so popular I have two wedding wrecks based on it:

Whoah. This baker needs to make like a tree, and get out of tree decorations.

(Hm. I feel like that line didn't go quite right. Maybe I should follow it up with something clever.)

So.

YEAH.

(Theeere we go.)


This next one's in reverse order; here's what Anthony L's bakery replaced another bakery's initial wreck with, and with only an hour and a half to do so before the wedding started:

Not bad for less than two hours' work, right?

 

Especially when you compare what the original cake (again, from another bakery) looked like:

Am I the only one who thinks this looks like Play-Doh? I keep expecting it to spring to life, claymation style. And then maybe turn into a giant demon dog and terrorize a nerdy New York accountant.

Just me?

 

Here's a fun, modern pattern:

Aaaaand the fun stops HERE:

It's never a good sign when your cake is crying.

 

Goodness gracious, great balls on wires!

Seriously. They're like shiny little bubbles of joy - totally cute.

 

These, on the other hand, are just...

...balls.

 

Thanks to Krista V., Emily B., Allison I., Anthony L., Tempest J., & Sarah B. for feeding our horrible wedding wreck obsession.

*****

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Going Through a Rough Patch

Oct. 10th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

It's the quintessential symbol of Halloween: the Jack-O-Lantern. Fortunately, it's also one of the easiest designs for a baker to make. Just take one round cake, ice it in orange, add a cartoony face, and...voilá!

AAAEEIII!!

Er. Heh, sorry. Let's try that again.

Voila!

That's...not a cake.

 

[rolling up sleeves] Voila!

Is that...plastic?

Cheater.

 

Voila!

A Pumpkin Poo-nicorn. Well. That's a first.

 

[through gritted teeth] Voi-la.

What the...what IS that? Come on, seriously, there's no way you could make this thing look less like a pumpkin!

 

Allow me to retract that last statement.

 

Knock, knock.

Well? Orange you glad I didn't say "voila?"

 

Hm. Maybe the problem lies in trying to make the whole cake look like a pumpkin. Maybe if the baker just drew a pumpkin ON the cake...

[blinking]

Um...

[more blinking]

Voila!

 

Dorota, Carra M., Melody N., Shanna T., Andrew M., Ted, Donny & Amanda, Kaitlin K., & T.A., don't ask me; I'm going with "abstract jack-o-lantern."

*****

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Draw Your OWN Conclusions

Oct. 9th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Ever get the feeling bakers are doing this on purpose?

 

Like, they know exactly what we're asking for; they just don't feel like drawing today.

 

It's a tempting theory, I know...

 

...except for all the times when it's actually MORE work to get it wrong:

*facepalm*

 

Thanks to John H., Nicole M., Anony M., & Erica D. for letting arTisTic freedom ring.

*****

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Sunday Sweets: Modern, Funky, Cool!

Oct. 8th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Traditional cakes are awesome, sure, but sometimes you want a crisp, modern twist:

(By Torta Deliziosa)

...like this!

Check out that 3D grid pattern. Stunning!

 

Another clever design:

(By Sweet Sensations, Inc - now closed permanently - & featured here)

Those paper-like bubbles add just the right amount of interest - no color needed!

 

But for those who want ALL the colors, I've got something for you, too:

(By Cafe Orbis Cakes)

Graphic, geometric, and totally groovy.
(Look closely; there are patterns embossed in the pixels!)

 

This pinwheel cascade is the stuff chevron-covered dreams are made of:

(By cakelava)

Ahhhh.

 

And here's a new-to-me technique that I just love:

(By Desiree Aguirre)

Ruffly swirl goodness!

 

But perhaps you prefer something a bit more awesomely angular. Even, dare I say, spectacularly spiky?

(By Yellow Cake Company)

It's modern art come to life - and ready to be plated.

 

Speaking of art, here's one that looks like an edible, 3D oil painting:

(By Lucia Simeone)

Plus: Poppies! My favorite!

 

These asymmetrical petals remind me of Old Hollywood glamour:

(By Charm City Cakes)

Can't you just see this as a satin dress from the 1920s?
(And notice that oh-so-subtle peach ombre coloring. Beautiful.)

 

Color, whimsy, and more impressive patterns:

(By Kim Giles, featured here)

Love how most of the color is blowing off the cake - and how it takes an extra moment to see all the white-on-white designs.

 

And finally, some superb swoopiness with just the right balance of modern and traditional:

(By Torte Di Nadia)

That pink ruffle bit is blowing my mind. Love how it bridges that bold, modern cube pattern with the delicate flowers! SO GOOD.

 

Hope you guys have a Sweet Sunday!

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And from my other blog, Epbot: