I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control, which works wonders for my insomnia. These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, doubles as an eye mask to block the light, and they only cost $13 Prime.
Ariel's company wanted their vision statement written on a cake, but made the rookie mistake of e-mailing a cellphone photo of their office wall plaque as a reference. [shaking head] Tsk tsk, guys. TSK TSK.
The result was predictable, but their vision statement makes it delightfully ironic:
Now if only we could empower technology to transform wreckerators.
*****
One question, oh-so-many answers:
Let's... START... withhow... MUCH... I hear William Shatner... RIGHTNOW.
*****
And finally, that awkward moment when you can't tell if the cake is for a baby shower or a bachelorette party:
For the record: I still don't know.
Thanks to Claudia R., Ariel D., Aubrae W., & Amanda F., who aren't happy to see me, but DO have bowling balls in their pants.
*****
P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:
These are the continuing ravages of the Bakeshop Wrecksurprise.
Cakeman's Log: The shop is back to normal now, after a mysterious ailment afflicted my crew.
It started when we were accidentally exposed to corigrAtUIAt ions.
Maybe the big sign should have tipped us off.
Anyway, we didn't realize the danger until our handwriting started to devolve.
I mean, what do you call this?!
"It's red, Tim."
"That was a rhetorical question, Leonard."
"Oh. Sorry, boss."
I thought the crew just needed time to warm up, but the more cake I gave them, the more the handwriting problem seemed to multiply.
Spatial skills also began to deteriorate:
Pretty soon, this was the best we could do:
(Tilting your head doesn't help. I tried.)
Suddenly, I remembered the corigrAtUIAt ions!
It. Was right. THERE. In. Front of our. EYES!
I ordered the crew to our decontamination facilities.
The loy quickly neutralized all the corigrAtUIAt - and even better, gave me an excuse to rip off my uniform.
(Hellooooo, ladies!)
The crisis averted, I'm happy to report the crew is back to our normal standards.
"How's this, Boss?"
"Perfect. And I LOVE your new red shirt."
Official commendations to Jill P., Beth F., Carrie B., Break'er Bikes, Carrisa, Shelby P., Laura A., and Alicia S. for doing the yeoman's work of finding these cakes. You made us positively beam by sharing these examples of IDIC (Infinite Diversity in Imperfect Cakes.)
When I Googled the most popular kids' shows of 2018, I was amazed to see Pokémon still on the list. Good thing, though, since that means I get to show you this jaw-dropping Pikachu:
And speaking of popular shows, obviously My Little Pony is huuuuuge. John and I are even fans. I could do a whole post of great MLP cakes, but instead here's one of the cutest Pinkie Pie cakes I've ever seen:
My favorite is how the flowers look like they're made of rolled-up balloon. I could totally see Pinkie making those with her stash of party balloons. :)
Here come another show I've been a fan of since the original: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
[Baker Unknown. Anyone recognize it?]
Look how fun this is, with the pizza base and that river of toxic sludge out the side! I would have loved this cake back in middle school... or heck, even today. (The reboot is awesome, I've got to catch up on it someday.)
I've seen a lot of people cosplay from this next one: Star vs The Forces of Evil
Speaking of my friend's kids, John and I got to theme her daughter's room after Elena of Avalor, so I've had a soft spot for that character ever since:
[Baker Unknown. Anyone recognize it?]
I love Elena's red-and-teal color scheme with all the bright flowers - so pretty, I want to wear them in my hair!
Years ago a reader e-mailed to tell me about this show her kids were watching: it was adorable and kind of steampunk-styled, so she thought of me. The show was called Octonauts, and now that I see this cake I want figurines of all the characters:
I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:
...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:
When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to hang up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.
It's the quintessential symbol of Halloween: the Jack-O-Lantern. Fortunately, it's also one of the easiest designs for a baker to make. Just take one round cake, ice it in orange, add a cartoony face, and...voilá!
AAAEEIII!!
Er. Heh, sorry. Let's try that again.
Voila!
That's...not a cake.
[rolling up sleeves] Voila!
Is that...plastic?
Cheater.
Voila!
A Pumpkin Poo-nicorn. Well. That's a first.
[through gritted teeth] Voi-la.
What the...what IS that? Come on, seriously, there's no way you could make this thing look less like a pumpkin!
Allow me to retract that last statement.
Knock, knock.
Well? Orange you glad I didn't say "voila?"
Hm. Maybe the problem lies in trying to make the whole cake look like a pumpkin. Maybe if the baker just drew a pumpkin ON the cake...
[blinking]
Um...
[more blinking]
Voila!
Dorota, Carra M., Melody N., Shanna T., Andrew M., Ted, Donny & Amanda, Kaitlin K., & T.A., don't ask me; I'm going with "abstract jack-o-lantern."
John and I play a lot of video games because we make excellent life choices, and last night was a particularly Jen kind of game. I was completely lost, fumbling around and stuck on a wall, muttering "Where am I? What room is this? WHAT IS HAPPENING?" - all in a game I've been playing for 2 years now - and John joked, "You watch, you'll get Play of the Game for this."
AND I DID.
Meaning 11 real live strangers on the internet watched an instant replay of my character walking into a wall and spinning in circles to the sound of a triumphant victory fanfare, all with my user name emblazoned onscreen in giant glowing letters.
John actually got light-headed, he laughed so hard. I had to remind him to breathe.
My point here, of course, is that brainless moments of personal embarrassment should always be witnessed - nay, celebrated - by strangers on the internet.
OH HEY LOOK:
And my personal favorite:
[plays Triumphant Victory Fanfare]
Thanks to Katherine V., Carolyn H., Mindy V., Stacy M., & Alicia F. for making me feel much better about my video game skills. And yes, to my fellow gamers looking for confirmation: it *was* Overwatch. TOR MAIN FOREVAHHHHH.
*****
P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:
I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:
...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:
When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to hang up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.
Were the good ol' days of cake decorating REALLY better?
And more importantly, can Jen find an excuse to post some of the rad vintage birthday cakes you guys have been sending in?
Let's find out, with...
EPIC CAKE BATTLES OF HISTORY!!
THEN:
I pity the fool who doesn't recognize Hulk Hogan & Mr. T.
VS
NOW:
THEN:
VS
NOW:
THEN:
VS
NOW:
"I stopped listening after 'cabbage'." (Yup, it's cake. Cabbagey, cabbagey cake.)
THEN:
VS
NOW:
THEN:
VS
NOW:
Who WON? Who LOST? YOU decide!!
And keep sending in those vintage birthday cakes, because seriously, these things are amazing.
Thanks to Robert T., Elizabeth B., Jason R., Tiki C., Jason R., Kristi C., Lindsay S., Karen H., Susan M., & Brittany J. - and a hat tip to Epic Rap Battles of History for all the lolz.
*****
P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:
A few of you remarked on my use of the word "spoopy" on Epbot, so I'd just like to point out that's totally a thing people say and/or write on cakes:
See?
However.
Like all fun new lingo we youngin's use [WHAT I'M YOUNG], this may confuse some of the less hip, less "with it," less "I have a Tumblr account and I know how to use it" crowd.
So just to be clear, bakers, "spoopy" is something you SAY, not something you try to illustrate:
o.0
And you thought having a birthday near a major holiday was crappy.
BONUS SPOOPAGE!
To the utter shock of absolutely no one, it turns out I have TWO spoopy birthday ghosts. This one is cuter, but more confusing
I mean, why is the ghost spitting out poopy Junior Mints?
Or wait... WAIT.
Are those... Peppermint Patties?
I can't wait to reblog this on Tumblr once I get an account and figure out how to use it.
Thanks to Regina S., Brian M., & Amy S. for the minty fresh spoop.
I love how bright and modern it is - and those curled ferns!
Have you noticed all the pale aqua touches in the Fall decor hitting stores right now? It's so unexpected, but I freaking love it. Especially when you pair it with copper or warm golds, like this:
You know those cringe-inducing pregnancy photos where the mom-to-be's mostly naked and the shirtless dad is standing behind her caressing her belly, and all you can think is how you don't even like going to the pool in a bikini, but here they are, all up in yo' Facebook feed, smirking the smirk of the freshly procreated?
Well, doesn't that sight make you, like, totally hungry?
NEEDS MOAR HANDS.
If you'll excuse me, Katie A., I'll just be over here screaming forever. (And they're saying my doll-and-butcher-knife mobile is creepy. YEESH.)
PS - I just had a lengthy conversation with John about that ring and hand placement. That has to be the pointer finger, guys. IT HAS TO. Otherwise, ouch.
It's Bat Appreciation Month, for obvious reasons (helloooo, month after Michael Keaton's birthday!), so today we're going to celebrate....
Star Wars!
"Come to the dark side, we have sh*tty lightsabers."
And we're also celebrating Proper Proportions! Wooohoo!
"It's not the size, it's how you... oh. On second thought, in this case? It's the size."
Not to mention just getting out there and having a good time!
Hehehehehehehehe.
(Like that ball placement wasn't intentional, bakers. COME ON.)
Quick shout out to everyone just now realizing these cakes are supposed to be baseball bats, and that's what the heck I'm talking about.
'SUP.
Hang on, I'm getting a note from John here...
OHHHH it's supposed to be Halloween bats?
I can do that.
One black butterfly, comin' up!
See, once you start thinking of bats as those old Glo Worm dolls from the 80s with wings, this totally makes sense.
Thanks to Jessica L., Angela D., Katy H., & Sarah S. for making me wonder what a DC reboot of Glo Worm would look like. I bet he'd be a gritty crime-fighter with mechanical wings, and the movie tagline would be "Glo Worm Returns: LIGHTS OUT, BAD GUYS" and before every fight he'd yell, "IT'S GLO TIME!" while his sidekick Barry Beetle just rolls his eyes at the camera, Jim-from-The-Office-style.
Yeah, thanks for that, Sarah.
*****
P.S. Just to really lean into this tangent: have you SEEN the World's Smallest Glo Worm?
It even lights up when you squeeze it.And it costs less than $10!The perfect teeny gift for any child of the 80s, or yourself,because who are we kidding here. ;)
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